“We do not fight about intentions, we fight about strategies and perceived truth, without understanding a full body of information and the outcomes of the strategies we are choosing! – both individually and as a group.”
(SL  2013)

While discovering what strategies have a stronger possibility for resolving conflict and furthering connection, there is a direct correlation between the individual’s willingness to hear new information and a desire to learn new ways of hearing and speaking. This willingness has a direct impact for increasing or decreasing the outcome of restoring connection and trust: further neutralizing information as information. 

This ‘willingness’ seems to be directly linked to the difference between existing beliefs and what is “happening”:  and, a willingness to change existing beliefs to ones more applicable to the topic or situation currently at hand.

The ingredients : success while living with others

What are the ingredients needed – when combined with action – that will prove we can intentionally reach common understanding and establish balance with self, others and the natural world?

What will reveal what is inside of me – while being with you? 

Bellow is a list compiled to note some of the possible ingredients, or practices, we might instill in our lives to increase our human potential for Love and Life.

A Willingness To:

• Share intentional time consistently with those whom we live with as a group
• Contribute by revealing our inner condition – practice transparency
• Willingness to spend time with individuals in a planned deliberate way
• Willingness to share non-sexual touch
• Willingness to learn and try something new – new strategies!
• Allow others to make mistakes – while learning to forgive
• A willingness and desire to be in groups
• A willingness to be challenged by others concerning personal beliefs
• Receive information from those around us – about ourselves – to understand our current state of being (to be affected by the “other”)
• As information is received about “self “- give full consideration to this information
• Work towards honestly/transparency while sharing our observations with those whom we share time and space with
• Observe ourselves and others with the intent to receive and give information as information
• Locate inner beliefs in contrast to other’s beliefs, then be willing to ask myself; “is that true?”
• Take personal responsibility for individual life choices in all areas
• Strive to understand the difference between “the story” I make up about life, others, and myself  vs. the reality of what is occurring or exists.
• Often ask myself “Is this true”? Further, ask myself “do I have enough information to answer ‘is this true’ ?”
• Welcome input from those one is living with to discover the difference between “my story”and what might be transpiring in relationships with others
• Participate in group projects with curiosity and deliberate intent
• Contribute my talents and interest by sharing with those whom are interested
• Learning to delay the time between receiving information and coming to a conclusion – extending the time it takes to glean more knowledge. The intent of this practice is to develop discernment based on consideration of a diverse body of information from multiple perspectives,  bringing a more clear accurate view
• Develop authentic curiosity and consideration for other people; their needs, feelings, and desires

Signs or Symptoms standing in the way of “willingness”: (The strongest is perceived danger – the amygdala hijacking!)

• Disconnection from the group: usually this stems from disconnection from self, inner stories about self and/or others: building stories about self and/or others that may or may not be true
• Unwillingness, skill, or capacity to receive additional information
• A strong strategy to isolate, not share information openly with others
• Not willing to hear uncomfortable truth about ones self
• A strategy to silence others from communicating with each other: usually stemming from fear about what might be said – or – a fear one person might be ‘convincing’ others that they are ‘bad’

Helpful revelations to help us realize what is in our way to be willing:

• Stories have a strong hold on our emotions and are the source of conflict!
• There is something the mind is doing that humanity shares – the amygdala that helps us to survive
• There is a limitation of this part of the mind that may not be helpful to creating peace both within and without
• Conformation Bias plays a large role in how my mind works and I can choose to notice this Bias, to become more aware and shift to a more neutral observation point (a valuable skill to develop)
• We have the anatomy to use other parts of our mind to consciously evolve – to actively grow and become more conscious
• Being aware of how our mind works, in relation to our current state of being, can have a great effect for developing skills that will add to creating a world  from a grander perspective that we might currently enjoy
• There is a difference between a person and their current strategies and beliefs
• There is a difference between processing with another person about a third person – and having the intent to vilify
• I/you are not responsible for another persons feelings – and we may be the stimulus for those feelings
• I/you can be considerate of another persons feelings and talk with them when we do not agree on strategies
• Considering another persons feelings does not mean I/you need to be silent
• If there is a conflict with another person, getting input from others in the community about how they see each persons participation can bring better understanding
• If I am blaming I am in my ‘trigger’ and its not about the other person
• If I am blaming I may be attempting to find my own discernment about what is true about myself, those around me, and my world
• If I am authentically exploring with others about what I see and hear, even if it involves a third person, it can help me to understand what is happening vs what I might interpret ‘is happening’. This exploring with others I live with about a third person does not mean I am trying to vilify the person I am talking about – I would need to check in with myself to see what is true – what is my intent?
• Isolation does not work long-term
• If I am withholding from others my truth I need to get support for how to share
• I am responsible for asking for what I need
• Supporting an individual to finding their inner answers is not undermining a partnership or relationship I have with others – even if this discovery reveals information or beliefs that may be in contrast to others beliefs and I am in relationship or partnership with them

Signs or symptoms indicating strategies are being chosen that might bring a result of “fracturing” the group or inviting in disconnection or conflict:

• Isolation
• Threats of leaving rather than working through understanding
• Not processing with others in the community: not getting help: this may be accompanied by statements or inner states of not trusting
• Blaming others
• Targeting individuals rather than working for observations and brainstorming for strategies that might be used to resolve the conflict
• Outward observable anger not being followed by some level of curiosity or expressed desire to work through the anger
• Requests for extended periods of time for others not to share information with one another
• A wish to privatize self and others
• When challenged, the person may cease communication in a group
• Noticing an emotional response not apparently matching the situation
• Not allowing mistakes by others or expecting they do not have their own blind-spots
• Targeting leaders, perceived authority figures, or anyone disagreeing
• Claiming one person ‘has control’ over the group despite direct information from members of the group to the contrary, and then using this reason to not bridge connection or communication with the group or individual
• Statements being shared that indicate something is happening for an individual -followed by an unwillingness to share what is happening for extended periods of time (extended periods may be days, weeks, or months). This strategy is prone to create an increase in ‘stories’ that  built up over time by concerned parties and the group at large. These stories can range from diagnosing a person, stories that are not based on what actually happened,  or stories substantiating general blame
• Siding with a particular partner or person in the group to vilify another individual
• Strong statements that include blame, vilifying another, or unwillingness to hear an individual based on that blame  

Strategies that may have a chance to bring individuals and/or a group from conflict to connection:

• Reflecting on the ‘willingness’ list above.
• Coming to understand there is a difference between someone sharing information that might currently not be understood or that we do not agree with, and the belief  ‘that person’ is ‘attacking’.
• Reaching understanding when a person is sharing information and trust each person is processing their own inner world and trying to make sense out of it.  (It seems rare that the truth an individual in our community is processing with others has the intent to vilify another. More often than-not they are simply gathering information and expressing their current understanding of what is happening.)
• Come to better understanding of what words mean. Example: understanding the difference between ‘judgment’ and ‘judgmental’

• Judgment (simple definition): to come to a conclusion based on considered and informed information. Example: someone ate my food: I stop and ask questions about what happened and found out that the person thought that the food was to be shared. I then make a request that the person replace the food. I let go of my trigger and am open to receiving new information. I take the time to calm my story in order to be curious about what happened and am open to my ‘story’ being incorrect. If strongly triggered I ask for support from others, such as, asking if someone would be willing to hear me for me to open to hearing others.
• Judgmental (simple definition): to come to a conclusion based on little considered or accurate information. Example: someone ate my food and those I live with do not care about one another and do not care about me. I am triggered and know I am right and do not want to live with those who do not care about me!
• By understanding the difference between judgment and judgmental what might be a possible outcome?
• One could learn to value the process of coming to more accurate conclusions through using the process of judgment, thus increasing ones discernment, to support greater understanding of self, others, and life as a human.